I'd prefer to just move on, most of the time. Although it could take more time than it actually needs. Wait a minute, how do you actually measure time for moving on? Don't we all have different healing process? Well, coming to the point again. I was put in a situation that didnt just tarnish my reputation, but also questioning my career that I felt I was very confident about.
I have been always confident at the way I do my job. Not self praise but based on feedbacks that I have recieved for over 12 years now. It wasn't easily gained. It was truly years of observation, trial and error. So, after being put in many tests in life, I met a being at work. A person who seems very plesant, kind and understanding on the outer but bitter, destroying and demotivating from the inside. She had a different view on me and my work that she took away my confidence, my believe as a person.
She made me feel I was hopeless slowly and surely. Imagine going to a place that once you used to feel very happy about for 12 years, now all you could feel is fear. Fear of making mistake, fear of speaking, fear of looking up. I was not that person at all. She took my 'life' away. She made me feel hopeless, stupid and incapable. She made me constantly check on my methods, my theories and worst, myself.
How can someone do this to you? But at the same time be very nice, caring and kind on the outside. Why did I let her do this to me? Maybe its because I was stupid. I was put on a test by God to see how am I going to face this. Then, ofcourse Allah will save his believer. So, a thing happened and I was put in the situation to face her. But this time to put her at her place. But being me, I didnt want her to feel how I did. So, i just told what actually happen. And God made her admit it by herself. I just sat there and looked. Looked at all of them. And I saw 1 person smiling at me. That assurance that everything is going to be okay.
But before all this happened, I broke down to my loved one. I told him whats happening to me. I spoke shamelessly about my thoughts and how i felt honestly from the inside to have him speak about me again. To tell me how I was and how have I become. He helped me regain my confidence. He showed me my works. His advice woke me up. He told me to not fear but face it by being myself. I wasnt making any mistake. I was not lying. It was her all along still trying to arrange her words to sound nice, pretty and not blameworthy. However, everything has been said and done. The truth has been told. Some may not like it, but I can't be bothered anymore. Afterall, nothing is permanent. So, I am focussing on my own life, my happiness and my inner peace. Im still fixing my things again.
So thinking back. His encouragement means a lot to me. Im more than thankful to what he has done to me. He took me out. Got me what I needed without a second thought. He sat with me just looking at me doing what I love. He let me do it without any interruptions. When I was done. He was happier than me.
I am encouraged now. I want to pen down my thoughts all the time. My analysis on literary works. I want to be read. I want to be seen through my words. This is my first thoughts. It would be flawful. But, arent flaws human nature?
10.27 am
A Sunday
My dedication to my special one.
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